Americans Overstate Shit... Understatement of the Year

if you have ever had the pleasure of having a conversation with someone who has spent a week or more in the US, you have probably experienced (and unintentionally adapted) our propensity to exaggerate.

this is probably already an exaggeration. i have never been to north dakota, nor can i speak for the northern dakotans on this matter.

instead, i will base my observations off my limited perspective: california. specifically the western side of the city of los angeles, where tonight, upon picking up my dry cleaning, i was invited to the local mexican watering hole (cabo cantina) to experience "the best margaritas ever" -- an observation that was no doubt confirmed when said margarita aficionado was later chased out of the parking lot by the owner of the dry cleaners for peeing on a car.

my brother and i have always found amusement in our culture's apparent love affair with the hyperbole.

one one hand, it is very helpful, when choosing a restaurant for example, to know that one of the choices in question is the BEST EVER. i mean, with a review like that, you would be stupid to go anywhere else.

on the other hand, this constant enthusiasm makes it a bit difficult to decipher actual emotion. you are left with the daunting task of sorting through levels of awesomeness.

and since i tend toward go-to words like amazing, rad or wicked, you must then factor in my tone and volume to determine which michael cera movie i love the most (for the record, juno is amazing, nick & norah is rad and superbad is wicked... and don't even get me started on the clark & michael web series - its THE BEST!)

now that we have opened this proverbial can of worms, we should probably eat one. where does this (infectious) enthusiasm come from? are we just a culture of REALLY happy people? are we just so excited about life that we have had to surpass the scale of bad - good to express our true emotions? and if that's the case and we are operating on a super-sonic scale, are we in danger of inflation? are our words losing meaning to the point where we will have to start creating hybrids like wicked-rad or phenomenally-amazing just to communicate value?

me thinks, yes.

when i was studying in london, i was greatly humbled by the common person's care with words. i was working at a cafe, and whenever asked for a recommendation, my declarations that "the crumble is to die for" or "the iced coffee (made with ice cream as they don't have ice cubes in a lot of the restaurants-- by the way, this is not a complaint) is awesome" would be met with open mouths and blank stares.

realizing that i wasn't communicating effectively, i put my ear to the ground (metaphor, did not ACTUALLY do this). i found that in quiet conversations, people would say to each other "well the soup is quite nice" or "this salad is lovely."

hmm.

at first, i assumed that people were just not all that satisfied with the food. the soup is quite nice? that's it? not the most amazing explosion of flavor ever? (it was, by the way). but then a thought struck me. maybe the crumble wasn't worth dying for. maybe it really was just really good. an maybe the iced coffee did not fill people with awe. maybe it was just very tasty. and maybe, by declaring one food AMAZING, i was actually doing it a disservice by forcing it out of the realm of discernible value (that old good-bad spectrum) and into a subjective realm where everything is so over-valued it has no real value at all.

fast forward to modern day. i am walking to pick up my dry cleaning and a cinco de mayo enthusiast recommends to me "the best margarita ever." i cringe a bit. it's not that the margaritas at cabo cantina are not tasty. they are. (they are also powerful; he is now peeing on a car). but i also think the margaritas at el cholo are nice. and the ones at la barca. and the ones at el carmen are really nice.

but that's just it. maybe if we were a bit more selective with our word choice, we would actually find that we don't have to exaggerate as much, because our words mean more. and then maybe - just maybe - we might have a better chance of understanding each other.

wouldn't that be the greatest?

thoughts that keep me awake at night when my room is 80 degrees at 12:29 am

tonight i came home to the joyful news that our national debt clock has run out of numbers. what does that mean you ask? well essentially, we have gone from being $9, 999,999,999,999 (that is 13 figures) to $10, 250,000,000,000 (that's 14 figures). in order to account for the extra digit, they NYC clock temporarily converted its $ sign into a digit. if only all problems could be "solved" that easily.

on a side note, i think its pretty funny that the main focus of the news stories was the dilemma of how they were going to fix the clock to account for the rising debt, and not how we plan to actually decrease the debt. luckily two new clock digits are being added by next year, allowing for for us to rack up up to a quadrillion dollars in debt. lucky us! suddenly dr. evil's evil request of 100 billion dollars doesn't seem so unreasonable, does it?

michelle informed me that if we were to divide this debt figure across the US population, each family would owe about $80,000. which means that each individual person is responsible for $33,000 of the debt. which means that the $4 pumpkin spice soy latte i had today is essentially worth more than i am (my value coming in at a delightful -$31,000 - yes negative!! - and that's still before rent!).

i guess that brings a new meaning to the word priceless. 

michelle and i were not downtrodden by our new state of worthlessness, however. we decided to look into career opportunities that would not only raise our value but also stimulate our local economy by bringing in international dollars.

our solution? international hookers. 

i believe that if michelle and i (and maybe a handful of others - guys are welcome too!) were to form a sort of x-rated Team America (patriotic costumes included) we could really bring our nation out of its abysmal state. we would be like the robin hoods of the 21st century. robin hoods 2.0. only without the stealing. more like hooking the rich to give to the poor. 

i'm just waiting for a call back from el presidente and we'll be set to go!

and so it begins...

hello friends, family and yet un-named fanclub,

thanks to all (fill in a number between 0 and 4) of you for checking out my new blog! i am basically the 'flight of the conchords' of bloggers... abundance of talent, insufficient publicity. maybe i should make t-shirts. or buttons. if those don't generate interest, i don't know what would.

but i digress. (actually can you really digress if its your own blog? it's not like i'm trying to stay on topic anyway... so i take it back. i un-digress).

it was pretty inevitable that i would start a blog. all the proper conditions were in place.

1. the general feeling that blogs are silly. i mean who really needs to know that i took my kid to gymboree today? (general reference, i don't actually have a kid or frequent gymboree for that matter) or that my dog is allergic to her food and had to switch to the fish and rice mixture (personal reference. and yes, nutmeg is doing much better, thanks for asking). 

2. the general feeling that blogs are a waste of time. shouldn't i be out living my life instead of writing about it? 

3. the general feeling that the people whose lives i'd actually care to hear about (michael cera) are actually too busy to sit down and write a blog, therefore suggesting that the majority of blogs are written by people who have a lot of time on their hands but not much to write about (me).

but if seinfeld can run successfully for 9 seasons and emerge as a cultural phenomenon, all the while never really touching on anything important or relevant, then so can i! (thanks jurow for this reminder). 

and so, my dear friends, i subject you to the first of many brilliant musings.

i was sitting at a red light the other day, watching a homeless woman walk up and down the line of cars with a sign, when it hit me: this woman is brilliant! she is communicating all her wants and needs on a simple sign. everyone knows where she stands. they can choose to respond accordingly but at least they know what she wants. isn't that more than most of us can say?

what if we all carried signs? what if we all displayed our intentions on a piece of cardboard that we carried around? we could even carry white boards if we changed our minds. 

i'm pretty sure the world would be a better place. 

as humans we probably spend an estimated 97% of our daily lives communicating via email, AIM, blackberry, cell phone, cups and string, fax, real live conversations (gasp!), poems, novels, movies, tv shows, smoke signals, love letters, etc. and somehow, we still manage to really suck at communication. 

and not only are we are aware of this, i think we're proud of it! how many of our beloved tv shows, movies and books are popular because of the inevitable drama that will develop between characters due to miscommunication? 

a lot. 

do we get amusement out of the fact that we are not able to relate to each other?

possibly. 

if we ever did learn how to communicate, would these all cease to exist? 

probably. 

what if juliet hadn't relied on a messenger to tell romeo that she was going to fake her own death, causing him to think that she was really dead and poison himself, causing her to stab herself with his dagger, causing a general feeling of great "woe" amongst everyone involved, and resulting in one of the greatest stories of all time? what if she had carried around a sign that read "i am in love with this guy but our families hate each other so i am going to fake my death to get out of marrying this other dude. romeo, don't do anything drastic. i'll be back."

at the very least, we'd have one less leonardo dicaprio movie in the world. which would be tragic (i'm not even being sarcastic). at the most, we'd have lost one of our most beloved stories. 

or, to bring things into a more modern light, let's look at 'knocked up' for another example. if alison had used different wording during the condom struggle (instead of 'just do it,' perhaps 'would you mind putting your condom on a bit faster, i'm getting bored') or if ben had clarified ('alison, by 'just do it', do you mean you want me to disregard the condom or put it on faster?') - i know, i know, i really know how to suck the fun out of something, don't i? relax, i'm trying to make a point... which is, in fact, an act of communication... god i love when everything works out like that - anyways, if that little bit of dialogue had gone down, then they would have not gotten pregnant and dani and i would have had one less movie to fall asleep to every night in kappa. (let's not even consider what would have happened if 'under the tuscan sun' did not exist. that would just be too tragic). 

which brings to mind another interesting question. are there any great stories built on good communication?

what follows is my list of movies that center on excellent communication. feel free to add to it if you feel so inclined. 

1. 'dude, where's my car?' 

first, the movie has a question in the title. questions = clarifying = good communication. bonus points there. what follows is a testament to good communication. the movie begins when jesse and chester notice that their car is missing (they identify the problem), and jesse asks those immortal words 'dude, where's my car?' (seeking clarification, looking for a solution). had jesse not vocalized his needs (car, location) he and chester would never have saved the world from aliens and ultimately found their car (solution achieved). good communication? check.

2. '101 dalmatians'

this movie depicts a conflict of interests that results from good communication. cruella devil wants a new coat out of dalmation fur. she has 84 dalmatian puppies of her own, but she feels that she needs 15 more (don't question her motives, maybe she is really cold and needs a big coat). the point is that she communicates this need to roger and anita and even offers to pay them for their puppies. roger and anita, however, love their puppies and would rather not have them turned into a coat. they decline her offer. again, communication. the drama that follows is not due to poor communication, but rather, opposing views. but at least everyone is aware of each other's views and is therefore on the same page, right? right. good communication? check. 

3. "field of dreams"

farmer hears voice saying "if you build it they will come." man listens to voice, interprets "it" to mean a baseball field and demonstrates his listening skills by following directions and building said baseball field in his cornfield. baseball players come. man is happy. good communication? check. 

so while it might not be advantageous for our heroes and heroines of popular culture to communicate, i think the rest of us could benefit from letting our expectations be known. 

alright. i'm off folks. going to go buy a whiteboard.